The entirely unofficial Kinston unicorn authority
KPD posted the unicorns.
We have irresponsibly extrapolated.
A satirical campaign to make the unicorn Kinston’s official mascot.
01 / A very serious proposal
Kinston was established as Kingston in 1762. In 1784, the name changed to break ties with King George III. This city has already demonstrated a willingness to edit the brand.
Kinston has King Street. Kinston has Queen Street. The infrastructure for an unnecessarily regal horse is already in place. We propose completing the monarchy with an animal that cannot legally operate a leaf blower.
The name change is real. Read the history ↗02 / The department of receipts
Unfortunately, we have assembled a department.
The actual city motto is “Forward in prosperity.” We have interpreted “forward” as permission to keep going until someone takes away the presentation remote. This interpretation has no legal standing.
See the city’s actual website ↗Kinston Police Department, in the Facebook post supplied for this campaign.
KPD’s posts go well beyond a passing unicorn reference: a magical weekend safety routine, a pitch for a downtown unicorn mural or statue, and a playful Neuse River sighting. Then came the April 1, 2026, Unicorn Unit vehicle announcement.
Our satirical conclusion: The mascot campaign is merely catching up with the lore.
Read the weekend unicorn post ↗The evidence is getting aggressively magical
Four images supplied with the KPD Facebook material. These are playful illustrations and concepts, not proof of a real patrol fleet, installed public artwork or an actual unicorn sighting.
KPD introduced its Unicorn Unit in an April Fools’ announcement. Our fictional campaign calls this a promising transportation policy.
KPD Facebook page ↗
In the supplied post, KPD asked Smart Kinston about a big unicorn statue or mural downtown. The pictured scene is a concept, not a verified installation.
KPD paired its #9PMRoutine reminders with unicorn imagery. The safety advice is practical. Our proposed Department of Municipal Glitter is fictional.
The supplied KPD post playfully described a unicorn by the Neuse River and promoted a unicorn patch. We are treating the sighting as a joke, not a wildlife report. Current patch availability is not confirmed.
Read the river unicorn post ↗*No paperwork was filed. We were distracted by the unicorn.
03 / Promises we cannot possibly keep
One unicorn in active service. One backup unicorn that is the same unicorn wearing a different tie.
A 900-page report determining whether a unicorn can revitalize downtown. Page 901 reveals it ate the report.
Reports to the assistant deputy horse. Neither position exists. Both have requested a parking space.
All campaign promises are fictional. The local affection is sincere.
Live from the fictional emergency operations pasture
The unicorn has been asked to leave the zoning meeting after repeatedly describing the setback requirements as “a vibe.”
No real officials, incidents or public resources are involved. Just an increasingly elaborate horse problem.
The jokes are fake. Your signature is real.
The petition: We ask the Kinston City Council to designate the unicorn as the official mascot of Kinston, North Carolina.
This is an independent community petition. Signing expresses support for the proposal. Only the city can make an official designation.
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One signature per email. Signatures are self-reported and are not email-verified.
Questions from the imaginary council floor
No. This is independent satire. Neither the city of Kinston nor the Kinston Police Department sponsors or endorses this campaign. No official mascot designation is claimed.
Your signature is stored with the petition and counted across visitors. The organizer can use names and cities to present support to Kinston officials. Emails are private and are used to limit duplicate entries. This is a community petition, not an election or a guarantee of city action.
Our fictional budget allocates three wishes and a decorative carrot. This is a joke, not a financial estimate or a city spending proposal.